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The Coffee Run: What we learned in 2010, Part I

December 29, 2010

coffeerunheader5 The Coffee Run: What we learned in 2010, Part I

Now that we’ve got a little more than a year until the end of the world, we should probably assess what the human race has accomplished in 2010. I’ll actually answer that for you here, if you don’t want to read this whole post: there’s not much to brag about. But I’m going to keep typing anyway.

JANUARY

The world’s tallest building, the Burj Khalifa, is officially christened in Dubai by shooting fireworks off its sides. To those who fear Middle Eastern culture, I will point out that this is exactly the way most things are christened in Alabama.

A 7.0-magnitude earthquake devastates Port-au-Prince and large parts of the island of Haiti. Record numbers of Americans donate via text message to the relief efforts, but are irked when they don’t receive a Black Eyed Peas ringtone in return.

FEBRUARY

After a crushing loss in the quarterfinals, Team Canada defeats Team USA in the men’s hockey final at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. But their players work in the United States, so we can deport them whenever.

An 8.8-magnitude earthquake hits Chile, powerful enough to cause waves in Louisiana’s Lake Ponchartrain, move the entire city of Conceptión 10 feet to the west and briefly alter Joan Rivers’ facial expression.

MARCH

The ROKS Cheonan, a lightly armed South Korean warship,sinks after being torn in two by an explosion near a sea boundary with North Korea. The DPRK denied involvement,and leader Kim Il-Jong issued a statement saying he was “entirely occupied (if slightly bored) by laying waste to Australia’s feeble and girlish prime minister, Kevin Rudd, in Medal of Honor' at the time.

APRIL

Volcanic ash begins pouring out of the Eyjafjallajökull ice cap in Iceland, causing the single largest international flight disruption in the history of aviation and the single most intimidating word I have ever seen on TV.

The Deepwater Horizon oil rig explodes and capsizes far off the coast of Venice, La. It turns out to be not that big a deal after oil-funded scientists conclude that heavy crude is both good for the environment and naturally delicious.

MAY

The International Monetary Fund helps bail out Greece from an epic debt crisis, showing it how to consolidate its loans with a patented E-Z Pay system that magically makes creditors disappear into an alternate dimension and whitens your teeth in three days or your money back.

A cooperative of German and American scientists announce that they have partially sequenced the Neanderthal genome, concluding that Neanderthals once commonly interbred with humans. Jesse James is immediately released back into the wild.

JUNE

The FIFA World Cup in South Africa draws unprecedented ratings in the United States, and the radio broadcasts drive honeybees insane with lust. “Vuvuzela' becomes the world’s favorite new euphemism.

Check back next Wednesday for more thoughtless, overreaching analysis of the last half of 2010.

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