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6 People Who Are Ruining My Commute

March 9, 2011

You’ve seen them. You might even BE one. Just don’t let me know that.


Mr. Indecisive

This guy weaves from lane to lane like Barry Sanders, using vans full of children as lead blockers and wedging through cracks in the metal glacier. If he’s gracious enough to use a signal, you know it’s going to be the one-and-done – so try not to blink as he positions his vehicle eight inches in front of your headlights.

For his intense maneuvering, Mr. Indecisive is rewarded by making it to work 4 minutes earlier than you and burning three times more gas.

Emotional Girl

You can’t see her eyes from behind those obnoxious sunglasses, but the spasmic head movements, upraised hands and runny mascara tell you exactly what’s going on. Emotional Girl just broke up with her boyfriend for the fourth time this month – and she is not “totally over it,” despite the phrase you just lip-read ten times in your rearview. Also, she’s about to change lanes into a motorcyclist.

Ten Gallon Hat

For most of us, the highway exists for so we can travel from our beds to a keycard swiper in the absolute minimum time. For Ten Gallon Hat, the road is an open range, built for leisurely excursions and the taking-in of fine views and carbon monoxide. These folks are not averse to a morning whisky, either. If you wind up beside one, you’d better have the fastest hands in the West.

Obese Lady With Brightly Patterned Shirt Who Doesn’t Use Her Mirrors

The most visually remarkable aspect of this phenomenon is that she’s always driving like a ’91 Civic that could barely house a pack of Lunchables, much less 300 pounds of disbelief. She may or may not be wearing prescription glasses thick enough to withstand an Apollo launch, but she will most certainly be leaning on the side of her stalled-out vehicle, gaping at something.

Do you do a little ignition countdown before you leave the driveway?

Commander Headset

Every day, I pass more and more of these. I swear to God, I’ve even seen drivers donning a headset in EACH EAR, which even Buzz Lightyear would find laughable. Some people will probably tell you they need stereo sound and two microphones to increase efficiency in the “mobile office,” and they’ve closed numerous friggin’ deals while guiding one ton of steel through a crowd. Guess what, my friend? Your “mobile office” just hit a pedestrian.

Group of Teenagers

You can identify the “group of teenagers” accident from a distance, because every one of them will be standing in a circle around the car and texting someone, except the one who’s taking a picture he intends to text to someone later on. When the police arrive, they get to learn whether the cause of the accident was loud music, a penis joke or a disputed Jack-in-the-Box order. Literally, there are probably checkboxes for this.

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