“The Coffee Run” is a weekly satirical column. Any advice presented here will probably ruin your career, break up your marriage and suffocate your goldfish.
By Alex Braun
Yesterday, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution broke news that an intern at Clark Atlanta University had been accused of stealing $10,000 from the offices of famous comedian and mustache-bearer Steve Harvey. The paper didn’t state whether the internship was paid or not — although I suppose it is now, at least until the money’s recovered.
Stealing from an employer is high on the list of poor career moves, right next to torching the CEO’s Lotus or having sex on the copier. But this story also caught my attention for another reason — who leaves $10,000 in cash around an unlocked office?
And furthermore, what kind of heists was I missing out on in my previous internships?
Clearly, the greatest opportunity probably was during my time as a multimedia intern at Cars.com, where I very possibly could have incapacitated my supervisors with karate and made off with a new Jaguar XK convertible.
I’ve never heard of anyone successfully stealing an aquarium.
It’s actually kind of surprising, given my years of addiction to Grand Theft Auto, that this thought never really crossed my mind until now. At the time, I was far too occupied with trying not to drop our video camera. It’s probably for the best, though — science tells me I’m probably less resistant to police gunfire than Niko Bellic.
I’m dead certain there was nothing worth stealing during my internship at a finance magazine in London, which happened to be run out of somebody’s cramped home. The kitchen was normally well-stocked with French beer, but French beer is terrible. I suppose I could have carried about two years’ worth of magazine issues out the front door and sold them to businesses wishing to circumvent the publication’s hefty subscription fee, but that would mean voluntarily reliving my worst memories from Little League.
The Associated Press? Please. If you think anything of financial value exists anymore in the offices of a journalism organization, you’re sorely mistaken. Wait … nevermind. Is there a street price for living celebrities’ pre-written obituaries? I think Amy Winehouse’s might have even had a date on it.
I also interned a lot at the Columbia Missourian, a city newspaper partially owned by the University of Missouri. Since it was mostly staffed by college students, everything in the newsroom was bolted down like an iron battleship. I think there might have been an aquarium somewhere downstairs, which would be cool for me personally because I enjoy regarding exotic fish. But I’ve never heard of anyone successfully stealing an aquarium. I imagine it would require exceptional balance — not something you typically ascribe to someone who frequently falls over attempting to tie his shoe.
The bottom line — crime doesn’t pay, kids. It’s actually pretty stressful to even think about.