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The Coffee Run: 5 Office Fashions For Women

October 21, 2010

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Step up, ladies. It’s time to review this fall’s lukewarm-est workplace fashions — the type of phenomena you will never see on a catwalk, but very well might see on Sam, the 48-year old cat lady spinster in HR.

Cardigans. If your internship is a war, cardigans are your fatigues. They are the kind of standard-issue women’s office fashion that turns the Jenna Fischers of this world into Pam Beeslys. If you’d rather call attention to your personal qualities and efficiency than your bodacious rack, you can never have too many of them. Taupe. Forest Green. Crimson. Gold Medal Ribbon. Terra Cotta. Whatever.

Flats. These poorly reinforced shoes have become a fashion staple in casual work environments, probably because they’re comfortable, cheap and can be assembled in less than five minutes in Malaysia. Sometimes they have cute little bows on them, which make them ideal for lounging under Christmas trees. If yours don’t, you could probably just stick some 30-cent gift bows on them. Honestly, nobody will even notice.

The Bumpit. Work can be a depressing place. No, not EMOTIONALLY,of course. You love your internship! I’m talking about for hair. That’s why you need to integrate the Bumpit in your daily styling routine.

Believe me,these things work. Everyone will agree you look just like Snooki from Jersey Shore, minus the fact that you’re probably not puking on the receptionist or “smooshing' the private security (then again, maybe I’m jumping to conclusions). If you haven’t been very productive this week, you also can use them to fill out a project folder or filing cabinet.

Open-toed boots. Go on, you Fame Monster. Let those toes breathe. Never mind that this is a professional environment. Never mind that the whole functional concept of a boot — the reason tall shoes exist — is to shield your foot from the elements. Never mind that it focuses attention on the most unattractive appendages you possess. Never mind that it looks like you’re in a full ankle cast because of a debilitating injury, or that your leg is an obscene bundled gift from the Blair Witch. OH MY GOD. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Frilly shirt. OK, OK, you don’t wanna be a pirate. But there is one distinct advantage to the frilly shirt: It removes all possibility of sexual harassment. You could put Alessandra Ambrosio in one of these things and she would never get invited to lunch. She would be left to her sad little cubicle eating tuna salad and a banana.

Still, I’m not sure if I would go as far as to say it will make male coworkers take you seriously. Only as seriously as one would take a birthday cake, a child’s blanket or Prince.

Coffee Run Alex

Did we leave out any of your favorite office fashion statements?

Leave any comments about coffee stained blouses below.

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