If you’re not familiar with the most important issues facing our nation during this year’s congressional elections, here’s a brief primer:
Witchcraft. It’s 2010, and it’s time — politically unpopular as it may be — for the electorate to weigh in on black magic. Thus far, only Christine O’Donnell, the Republican candidate for Delaware’s contested U.S. Senate seat, has come out categorically opposed to witchcraft. But judging from the clothing store down the block from me that’s only open two months a year, sorcery enjoys wide support from children and college girls. Surprisingly, bumblebees and cats are not identified as voting issues.
Stimulus spending. Since the collapse of the housing market in mid-2008 and the subsequent financial meltdown, the government has pumped trillions of dollars into bailouts, two foreign wars, job creation efforts, Redvines,Mountain Dew and pre-orders of Halo 3: ODST (the significance of the acronym is classified). Opinions vary on whether the spending was wasteful,necessary or simply “ballin’.'
Football. The Obama Administration has been dogged by a number of recent polls indicating that a majority of Americans disapprove of the job being done by the Chicago Bears’ offensive line. Conspiracy theorists have even gone so far as to question the authenticity of the Bears’ 4-1 record, claiming the president has never produced conclusive evidence that Calvin Johnson dropped an apparent fourth-quarter touchdown pass in a Week 1 matchup at Soldier Field. In several conservative districts, once-loyal Democrats are now touting their distaste for Lovie Smith’s Cover-2 defense.
Tea and Coffee. Even though the economy has been in the tank for more than two years, people are partying harder than ever. There are Tea Partiers, who dress up like popcorn containers and will never, ever learn how to “Dougie.' There are Coffee Partiers, who dress up like bums and thrive on organic cashews and Wi-Fi. Though one celebrates paranoia and the other condescension, these movements share one common trait: The vast percentage of their members are unemployed.
Cap-and-trade. This proposed legislation would create an “emissions market' that would cap industrial pollution in the United States at a fixed level. Under cap-and-trade, corporations that reduce their emissions could trade “emissions credits' for rare pogs owned by companies that pollute more. The EU has successfully curbed pollution via this method for years, which explains why most of the sickest slammers ever now reside in or near The Netherlands. But the measure is unpopular in areas where heavy industry dominates: Louisiana and Texas have just six D.A.R.E. pogs and a Pocahantas between them.
Standing up to things. On both sides of the aisle, candidates are making sure to stress that — if elected — they will not be working from a chair or even a desk. California’s Republican candidate for Senate, Carly Fiorina, has been sleeping in an upright stance since April. Democratic State Rep. Alan Grayson of Florida is still motoring under a pile of his party’s advisers, cursing loudly. Frontrunners have been particularly concerned about their posture next to “the Washington establishment,' because saggy shoulders are considered a sign of poor breeding — and Harry Reid never lets you forget it. Ironically, they’re all still battling for seats.
Did we miss anything? If so, leave it in the comments below.