It’s heartening to know that, despite the cutbacks and layoffs and job losses of a protracted recession, businesses are still reluctant to part ways with their most precious commodities: crap from the middle pages of the Staples catalog. Here are some products that only seem useful after hundreds of hours of exposure to fluorescent lighting.
The Staple Remover: Let’s be honest. The amount of time you’ve spent clicking the teeth together and pretending it’s a snake skull far outweighs the time you have actually spent removing staples at your job.
Gold Paper Clips: One office supplies retailer claims these will give your documents “an executive look.' If you’re paper clipping a document to begin with, it is not executive. I can scarcely envision a scenario where they’re even appropriate, unless you’re filing a tax extension for Gucci Mane.
The Neon Blue Highlighter: Actually, I can understand the advantages of having multiple highlighter colors. But I got along just fine when yellow was the only option. You kids today are spoiled.
The Zero-Gravity Pen: Starting in the late ’70s, NASA took the billions of dollars it had been spending toward sweet things like moon colonies and orbiting laser installations and reallocated it toward pens that write upside-down. There was probably some degree of error in estimating the number of taxpayers who work in an inverted or underwater state, which is understandable.
The Pop-Up Note Dispenser: Does the old-fashioned method of selecting paper bore you? Congratulations; this is definitely up your alley.
Speakers: If you want to watch YouTube videos in the office, bring your headphones. If you’ve convinced your supply manager that subwoofers drive productivity, you’re living on a completely different level.
The Mechanical Pencil: The mechanization of the pencil was one of the 20th century’s most questionable technological achievements. In third grade, the idea of a writing utensil that loads like a weapon and never goes dull seemed pretty awesome. Unfortunately, 0.5-mm lead can only withstand writing pressure of about four Kleenexes per square inch.
Scissors: In case you find a legitimate business reason to make paper snowflakes.