Often times when I find myself in a boring situation, I start thinking about one of two things: 1.,,) If I could rewind my life at any moment to erase all possible consequences, what action would get me ejected from this location in the shortest amount of time? And 2.) Would this be a decent spot to defend during a zombie attack?
In the event that your workplace becomes one of the last vestiges of humanity, here are some common-sense tips to help prolong your existence. I’ve also peppered this entry with pictures of objects I found around our Burbank office that seemed potentially useful in combating vast legions of the undead.
- Board up the windows. My biggest concern in most American office buildings is the percentage of outer wall space that’s protected only by medium-strength glass. Realistically, you probably won’t have time to gather plywood to reinforce them. But you can at least duct tape them in cross-hatched patterns to minimize catastrophic shattering, then jam disassembled cubicle walls against them – all fastened by the weight of an overturned filing cabinet.
- Know your hot water and electrical systems. In our office, hot water supply and return pipes run down the length of the floor above the ceiling tiles. Scalding water itself will not incapacitate a zombie, but the steam will at least slow down and confuse them. Ideally, if you can sever the water lines and flood an area adjacent to the room with the highest electrical usage (i.e. a server room), you might be able to create a high-voltage barrier activated by a bundle of live wires.
- Smash coffee mugs to create body armor. You can fashion a makeshift sort of chain mail by Krazy Gluing pieces of ceramic to your
clothing. You’d need a lot to make this strategy effective, but more will naturally become available to you as your co-workers are bitten and infected (or wholly devoured).
- String trip lines with fiber optic cable at knee or neck level near key entryways. Zombies move at a variety of speeds, from slow and lumbering to “crazed banshee.' But one commonality is that they seldom pay attention to where they’re going – or any objects that come between them and savory human meat. If you use this to your advantage, you can knock them down long enough to bash them repeatedly with an old computer tower or janitorial equipment.
- Wear a toner cartridge around your neck. I have no idea whether this will deter a zombie, but most animate objects are not fond of that smell.
- Consider potted plants. A well-rooted ficus (real or fake) in a solid container should strike a good balance between maneuverability and sufficient weight for blunt force trauma to the head. You’ll probably want to trim the leaves at the top for maximum visibility, lest you get blindsided by a second aggressor.
In summary, the typical office building offers little providence from flesh-eating monsters, and I cannot recommend it as a proper hideout; certainly not if access to a gun store, mall, Home Depot or military bunker is convenient. If it is your only option someday, I wish you luck – and may your rooftop be flat enough for the rescue helicopters to land on.
Tagged as: Humor