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The Coffee Run: Zombie-proofing the office

January 12, 2011

coffeerunheader5 The Coffee Run: Zombie proofing the office

Often times when I find myself in a boring situation, I start thinking about one of two things: 1.,,) If I could rewind my life at any moment to erase all possible consequences, what action would get me ejected from this location in the shortest amount of time? And 2.) Would this be a decent spot to defend during a zombie attack?

 The Coffee Run: Zombie proofing the office

It’s made out of real wood. That’s at least 50 lbs of jagged hurt.

In the event that your workplace becomes one of the last vestiges of humanity, here are some common-sense tips to help prolong your existence. I’ve also peppered this entry with pictures of objects I found around our Burbank office that seemed potentially useful in combating vast legions of the undead.

  1. Board up the windows. My biggest concern in most American office buildings is the percentage of outer wall space that’s protected only by medium-strength glass. Realistically, you probably won’t have time to gather plywood to reinforce them. But you can at least duct tape them in cross-hatched patterns to minimize catastrophic shattering, then jam disassembled cubicle walls against them – all fastened by the weight of an overturned filing cabinet.
  2. Know your hot water and electrical systems. In our office, hot water supply and return pipes run down the length of the floor above the ceiling tiles. Scalding water itself will not incapacitate a zombie, but the steam will at least slow down and confuse them. Ideally, if you can sever the water lines and flood an area adjacent to the room with the highest electrical usage (i.e. a server room), you might be able to create a high-voltage barrier activated by a bundle of live wires.
  3. Smash coffee mugs to create body armor. You can fashion a makeshift sort of chain mail by Krazy Gluing pieces of ceramic to your
     The Coffee Run: Zombie proofing the office

    You probably have plaques like this around your office, no matter where you work. They’re good for slicing, but you’ll have to get close.

    clothing. You’d need a lot to make this strategy effective, but more will naturally become available to you as your co-workers are bitten and infected (or wholly devoured).

  4. String trip lines with fiber optic cable at knee or neck level near key entryways. Zombies move at a variety of speeds, from slow and lumbering to “crazed banshee.' But one commonality is that they seldom pay attention to where they’re going – or any objects that come between them and savory human meat. If you use this to your advantage, you can knock them down long enough to bash them repeatedly with an old computer tower or janitorial equipment.
  5. Wear a toner cartridge around your neck. I have no idea whether this will deter a zombie, but most animate objects are not fond of that smell.

     The Coffee Run: Zombie proofing the office

    I could go totally Donatello with this thing if it were just a little bit shorter.

  6. Consider potted plants. A well-rooted ficus (real or fake) in a solid container should strike a good balance between maneuverability and sufficient weight for blunt force trauma to the head. You’ll probably want to trim the leaves at the top for maximum visibility, lest you get blindsided by a second aggressor.

In summary, the typical office building offers little providence from flesh-eating monsters, and I cannot recommend it as a proper hideout; certainly not if access to a gun store, mall, Home Depot or military bunker is convenient. If it is your only option someday, I wish you luck – and may your rooftop be flat enough for the rescue helicopters to land on.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Dan Patterson January 24, 2011 at 9:47 am

Personally, I think the Black Hills would be a great spot to hole up during the inevitable zombie apocalypse: it’s isolated, access to natural resources, and easy to hide from other survivors.

…however, in World War Z – Max Brooks’ epic account of the Zombie War – the Black Hills are referred to as a dead zone and tragedy is strongly implied in the text.

So who knows, perhaps the Black Hills are NOT the best place to survive.

Also, you should probably follow: >The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse for zombie survival tips.

Reply

Internships.com January 24, 2011 at 10:23 am

We’d be in trouble then … the Dakotas are kind of a hike from L.A. Come to think of it, Los Angeles County is probably among the worst places on Earth you could be stuck in if there was an outbreak of flesh eating. That’s probably why my health insurance is so high.

Reply

Dan Patterson January 24, 2011 at 10:33 am

Oh, well if you’re in LA you should already be acclimated to zombies, no? ;)

Reply

Internships.com January 24, 2011 at 11:21 am

I have encountered a few, but elected to merciful and not shoot them on the spot.

Reply

Dan Patterson January 24, 2011 at 9:47 am

Personally, I think the Black Hills would be a great spot to hole up during the inevitable zombie apocalypse: it’s isolated, access to natural resources, and easy to hide from other survivors.

…however, in World War Z – Max Brooks’ epic account of the Zombie War – the Black Hills are referred to as a dead zone and tragedy is strongly implied in the text.

So who knows, perhaps the Black Hills are NOT the best place to survive.

Also, you should probably follow: >The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse for zombie survival tips.

Reply

Internships.com January 24, 2011 at 10:23 am

We’d be in trouble then … the Dakotas are kind of a hike from L.A. Come to think of it, Los Angeles County is probably among the worst places on Earth you could be stuck in if there was an outbreak of flesh eating. That’s probably why my health insurance is so high.

Reply

Dan Patterson January 24, 2011 at 10:33 am

Oh, well if you’re in LA you should already be acclimated to zombies, no? ;)

Reply

Internships.com January 24, 2011 at 11:21 am

I have encountered a few, but elected to merciful and not shoot them on the spot.

Reply

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